October smiles
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'deventually find me attractive. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand forfreedom, until they're flashing behind you. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towardsthe local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it thecomputer will say, "Your password is incorrect." Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, andprocrastinate all at once. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care andthe other 80 percent are glad you have them. Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected? Take my advice — I'm not using it. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves soundperspicacious. Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home whenyou wish they were. Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like acomputer. I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's beendoing is gathering dust. Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes amore-talented fool. I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have troubleputting on your pants. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managedto jump out of her way. There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly? Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't haveto mow it. I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? Money is the root of all wealth. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. I asked the person if it was apathy or a lack of empathy, he said "I don't know and I don't care"
Graham Weeks ● 2546d0 Comments ● 2546d