Comedian Phil Zimmerman recounts his controversial audition for Britain's Got Talent

So, I’m a 6 foot giant pigeon, according to last Friday’s Sun. My, how I’ve grown. By this time next week I could be a ten foot ostrich. Then what? A super soaraway eagle perhaps.

Anyway it was quite a landmark in my career to make it onto page three of the Sun next to a fake blonde beauty, under the headline: “Six foot pigeon attacks Amanda.”

Shame the defamatory story isn’t actually true, but hey, when has that ever bothered the Sun?

It’s amazing the sort of things the press just lazily make-up to fill up space, without the slightest care for the consequences it might have on real people, and even more astonishing how such casual lies are then copied by other reporters without anyone even bothering to check the facts.

So, for the record, I did not “lunge at” or “attack” the pregnant Amanda Holden. (Well, there’s always next time).

All I did in, from the safe distance of the stage, was a quick burst of my Wolfman character at her after she buzzed me. This must have been terrifying for Amanda and will probably scar her for life. Or maybe not. The only direct quote attributed to her was one saying it had been the best day ever for BGT in London. And the only information about her response to “the giant pigeon”, ie, she was “terrified" was courtesy of “an insider”. In other words the reporter just made up the quote. So what’s new?

Another thing I didn’t do was “leap from the stage” (surely ‘fly’ would have been a more imaginative word?; and I was not “grabbed” or “removed” by security or
buzzed off - I walked off in triumph, having only been buzzed by two of the judges.

As I had injured my ankle a few days before the performance, I had to get down from the stage with care which I did simply in order to hand McIntyre a flyer for The No5 Club, Downstairs at the Drayton in Ealing, having already invited him to perform there.

As I got on to the floor, I was approached by two or three burly henchmen, who barred my way. Now, if I was “nuts”, as has been suggested, I would surely not been deterred by this. But as I am dangerously sane, I simply turned round and got back onto the stage.

It’s also worth noting that I flicked, rather than “hurled” my flyer at McIntyre. How does one hurl an A5 flyer? I would like to know so I can perfect the technique for future promotional purposes.

On with the fiction. Several accounts had me in a giant pigeon outfit. But I was wearing nothing of the sort. When did you last see a pigeon wearing dungarees and a vest? On another website there was a ludicrous and entirely made up quote attributed to me which I was supposed to have said outside the Apollo.

Having made up the quote, the writer then attacked me for saying something so lacking in wit, adding that if that was the quality of the humour on offer at my comedy club, he would not be paying a visit there. Well there’s one punter we won’t miss...

Apparently according to one media report, my performance was so off-the wall, that you wouldn’t even witness anything like it at the Edinburgh Fringe. Hmm, Don’t bet too much on that one pal, I’ve performed there quite a few times already and I may well be up there come August...

Anyway, I would like to dedicate my appearance on this fantastic, inspiring and uplifting show which displays all that’s best in British culture and is so respectful and supportive of performers, to the wonderful late Godfather of alternative comedy and creator of outrageous stunts, Malcolm Hardee.

Malcolm was considered to be to comedy what John Peel was to music. He would often put my mad pigeon act on at his legendary Up The Creek club in Greenwich, and said it was his “favourite.”

One night after witnessing the act in front of a riotous boozed -up audience, he said, and I quote: “I think you’re a genius.” Omid Djalili said the same thing about me in Time Out and repeated it on stage when he played the Drayton in 2008. So there you are, it’s official...

So dedicating the act to Malcolm, I like to think of it as a bit of kamikaze comedy.

I told ITV 2 in an interview beforehand that my aim was to get three no’s from the judges. And I succeeded magnificently...

Phil Zimmerman

See Phil Zimmerman’s controversial act , including a re-staging of the Holden incident as you might have wanted it to happen, Downstairs at the Dayton next Friday, Jan 21st,plus the brilliant Scott Capurro and Steve Best. Tickets fromwww.wegottickets.com

Comedy Downstairs at the Drayton, Friday january 21
Six Foot Giant Pigeon Phil Zimmerman, Plus Scott Capurro, Steve Best and MC Paul T Eyres. Tickets £9.00 fromwww.wegottickets.com.
Doors 8.15pm/show9pm.

13 January 2011